Feelings of envy
Envy, a powerful word. Often confused with jealousy.
I think I have always been envious. Most people are. But my experiences with envy seem more unique than most, at least in my eyes.
I have no friends. I've never dated, and I never had any interest in romance, so I'm fairly certain I'm aromantic.
I remember that during quarantine, I was socially isolated for almost a year. It was surprisingly the most peaceful time of my life, if you discount the fact that I was part of online communities, which ended up causing me trust issues (more on that another time).
Internet figures, such as content creators whom I have looked up to or whose content delivery and style are more unique, are the ones I feel the most envious of. There are some creators I simply don't care about, and others to whom I can become attached. This was more prominent during my early teens; it’s less of an issue now. But I can still compare myself to others, even those who may be your average fellow humans (as if internet celebrities/creators aren’t human).
Funnily enough, I was going to use Obsidian to create a mind map that explores my mental image in a visual/graphical style. I haven't touched it in a few weeks, but I still have it saved on one of my hard drives.
For now, I will just deal with these feelings of envy. I am currently practicing some techniques to make envy less of an issue than it might otherwise be. I don't want to eliminate it; I want it to be a side character in some cases—perhaps the one character that isn’t very well-known in my life.
