Envy ruins my life
One of the seven deadly sins is envy. If Hell exists, I'll probably be down there as soon as I die, eventually, considering how much I have committed the sin of envy.
A moment ago, I saw a couple holding hands and walking together on campus for the college I'm currently attending. This caused yet another feeling of envy in my gut. I have no friends here, let alone a partner.
There was another time similar to this, although it was more unpleasant. A couple of days ago, I saw another couple holding hands while walking to a classroom in one of the halls. When I returned to my dorm room, I cried for almost half an hour because of how lonely and alienated I felt. I eventually did some guided meditation for ten minutes and felt somewhat better.
These are just two instances of envy-oriented situations, as there are many more. Some of those moments were not as bad; others were more painful. At the end of the day, it seems I'm more immersed in an envy cycle that I have a difficult time escaping because I cannot find something to hold onto.
I remember reading a book on self-compassion, and one of the methods they discussed involved comforting yourself as if you were comforting a friend, or, as I like to think of it, a pet. This involved hugging yourself and doing soothing, rotating movements on your arm, as the skin is sensitive to touch. That feeling releases oxytocin, the love hormone.
Although this temporarily helped, it obviously would not make the envy disappear. In any case, I distract myself with YouTube videos and other online content. I read Reddit posts from people going through severe loneliness, which makes me feel strange because of the negativity of those echo chambers, so I immediately close the tab.
Let me also point out that romance is not the only thing I feel envious about; I can also be envious of friendships, parasocial relationships (particularly with content creators), and much more. Romance seems to be more prominent in my life right now, which is odd because I used to not care at all about finding a girlfriend when I was younger.
I just wish I could go back to those days when I never even thought about relationships or making friends, and just did whatever I wanted with my unrestricted internet access. That’s probably the reason I have so few friends anymore—outside of those I made on Discord, who are no longer friends of mine. I still hold some hope for the future, but it’s becoming harder to maintain at this point.
