Ego is the enemy
I used to be bullied when I was younger, like most people. Although, for some reason, I never seemed to mind it as much, maybe because I was more focused on video games and cartoons and reenacting those with this small friend group during recess. Looking back, I think this is when my ego started becoming fragile.
But as I grew older, my brain started to mature, and I began hanging out with a bunch of online communities. Some were okay, but the majority were extremely polluted with toxicity. This was more apparent during quarantine, as I had nothing to do other than online school. I started getting involved in Discord, meeting like-minded people with similar senses of humor, sending each other the dumbest memes and shitposts.
After a while of being involved in many of these, I eventually left all of them. Currently, I no longer stand in any of those puddles; I'm able to walk anywhere on my own. That's why I found solitude so intriguing to me, because it seemed that having friends was just so conflicting for my sensitive mind.
Now I’ve started noticing this pattern of mine, where I get irritated over the slightest jokes and the littlest things in life. Sometimes I feel like I’m better than most people, especially when I go out in public, as I judge others for their lives in my own thoughts.
I really don’t like feeling this way. I think the only reason I’m thinking this is because there’s nothing really going on in my life, so I become more curious about others around me.
All I know now is that my ego is the enemy, and I’ve been recently trying to love myself for who I am so that I can love others back. Self-compassion is something I am continuing to learn, and so far, it has helped provide some temporary relief (like giving myself a hug if I’m feeling down), but I feel I need to practice more long-term things, such as mindfulness, if I am going to be successful on this journey. I have hope for this, however, as I still have some positivity inside me.
