Can't talk to anyone
For context, I'm a nerdy and socially anxious college student who doesn't have many friends left (except for one back at home whom I message regularly). Trying to meet with other students seems to be a struggle, but what's odd is that even those who appear to be like-minded and have similar interests to mine also give me difficulty when it comes to speaking with them.
For one thing, I've had negative experiences with friends, specifically with friend groups. This was even more prominent when quarantine happened, and I was forced to communicate with people online. On Discord, I would even meet people who weren't in my state at all, and I was transitioning to high school at this time.
These online strangers seemed cool at the time, and I thought I got along with them well, until it became clear that those people also caused me trust issues and were often very toxic—not only to me but to others as well. There was always some drama involving them and other chronically online people. When it escalated too far, I wanted to leave. But for some reason, I kept returning again and again. I don't know why I didn't just delete my Discord account, but I felt like I was missing out on something, so I kept going back after a day of trying to leave, telling myself I was "taking a break," even though the break consisted of me worrying constantly.
Keep in mind, I was still "attending" online school. I put "attending" in quotes because, well... I mean, I don't think many kids actually "attended" online school Zoom meetings. But the thing is, I was completely alone, with my parents. I could only walk around my neighborhood if I wanted to do something or play video games and meet people online, as I wasn't old enough to drive yet.
Returning to the present, I believe those past experiences have contributed to some form of social anxiety and trust issues—ESPECIALLY when it comes to meeting people online. That’s why I'm writing this in a blog, where it feels more like a sanctuary to me than anything else.
So, even meeting people who seem like they could be good friends just never happens. I still have trouble with practically meeting anyone. I live in a dorm room with three roommates; I haven't interacted with any of them. I'm too afraid to. I'm afraid I couldn't handle it if something were to go wrong, just like back then.
But I know there is some hope for me. I don't give up entirely, even though sometimes I feel like giving up if something happens during the day—like if someone doesn't care about what I have to say.
Hopefully, there is a chance I will meet people who actually care; people I can hang out with, or at the very least, just one person who likes me. Right now, as I'm writing this, it just feels like complete bullshit, but I guess feelings are temporary, so it is what it is.
